I learned a few things about myself in those months - namely, I don't handle heartbreak well. Or at all, really. I withdrew completely, stopped eating, cried constantly, didn't speak to anyone, the whole nine pathetic yards. It was as if my entire heart and soul had been forcibly removed from my body and ripped out through my ribcage. I wasn't stitched up. I wasn't given anesthesia. No band-aids for the wounds. No aspirin to ease the pain. Just raw, real emotions coursing through my body and mind day and night, keeping me awake and listless. I don't know how long it was before I finally started leaving my bedroom. I didn't see sunlight for over a month. I think back and shudder at how much I let it affect me. I've been let down so many times before, but this one was different. This one was so much worse. Still, I wish I hadn't let it almost kill me like it did. My dreams, though few, were morbid and frightening, full of death and pain. I wished for nothing more than a long-lasting coma or severe amnesiac episode, anything to make it stop. I always did feel things too hard - the good is better, but the bad is much, much worse. People tend to find me hard to deal with for that reason; they don't understand that the fun-loving, happy, cheerful Kristina has a dark side. Few have stuck around after seeing it. That betrayal takes some getting used to.
On a brighter note, I'm actually regaining a bit of my sanity these days. My best friend from high school, Danielle, with whom I'd lost touch when she joined the Navy and I went to college, recently re-entered my life and renewed my interest in social interaction. I'm staying with her and her amazing, beautiful daughter Jasalynne in Maryland, and the change of scenery, coupled with a plethora of other things, have really helped me turn myself around. Some days you could even say I feel happy again. It's a nice change of pace, not constantly praying I'll get struck by lightning or suffer a sudden, unexpected brain aneurysm. Who knows, maybe one day these wounds and the scars they leave behind will fade to nearly nothing.
Here's to hoping.
So. It's been a long time, yet again. Almost a year since I've transferred my thoughts to the written word... A lot has happened in that time. I fell in love for the first time and experienced many of the things that accompanied it, made memories, planned for a future. But we all know what happens when you get too comfortable, too sure of things. It all came crumbling down in a horrifying display of sheer misery.